keeping focussed

Today marks a watershed in a couple of ways. It is the first weekday of my long run with no planned pharmacy work. It is also the first weekday or more or less normal functioning for Tony after his op. Tonight we are having our normal game, and we are going over to Wolverhampton on Wednesday. Also last night for the second night in a row it was past midnight when he went to bed.

So the next few weeks should now be focussed on building up reiki/card clientel. The trouble is I dont feel up to doing it. I feel crap this morning. I am also acutely aware of a number of things I need to focus on with regard to me and my health.

I am not sleeping well at all. Last night I woke with a very dry mouth and a coughing fit. This is a sign of rampant hiatus hernia believe it or not. I presume this is another signal of the weight I have put on.

I am doing better with exercise now. The wii fit is back in daily use - and I can avoid the vagaries of the board by doing things like jogging that dont need it.

Water drinking has been a disaster - and I hope the memory of last night will keep me focussed on that. Npt only will it help prevent the dry mouth but it will also help me train my bladder. As part of the coughing fir episode I headed to the bathroom feeling as if I needed the loo and I only passed about 250ml. This is half what a full bladder should be able to contain. Drinking lots of water will train my bladder to et used to holding larger amounts

My eating is out of control. I am not bingeing but I am eating far too fast and as a result eating far too much.

Yesterday I meditated for the first time in days

Basically I feel as if I am out on control and I know I have got to do something about it.

As I am typing this I have a glass of water that I am drinking. Listening to my body it feels bloated and I am aware of some IBS pain. My stomach feels full - but I feel hungry - which is absurd. I feel very tired, I am aware of discomfort in my right thigh (this was also part of what kept me awake last night) I wish I knew what this pain was. It has been happening for more than a year now. I am 90% sure it is muscular but why THAT muscle and never another one? And why does it only ever start in bed?

I need to break down the task facing me into bite sized chunks so I dont get overwhelmed - which is rather how I do feel. As well as my health issues, I also have to do get my business accounts sorted out - and I am scared something horrible is going to show up. "Scared' eally resonated with me as I typed it. I am scared about the future - another sign that I have lost control - or feel I have lost control - of my life.

So I have got to GET control of my heath issues and my fears.

Today I am going to drink lots of water, and eat slowly. In fact I will focus on those two things for the next two weeks.

Today I will make a start on getting my accounts onto the spreadsheets.

I will use the wii fit (That is already becoming a habit again)

I will take 30 minutes to do my spiritual thinks like meditation and prayer

That all feels manageable for today.

Skin

Yesterday I think I did OK. I drank 6 cups of water and my normal amount of hot drinks. But I avoided sugar.I ate lots of fruit and vegetables. Lunch was a cheesy baked potato followed by a banana and a small apple. I will own up to also having a 'coffee kisses' cake - only a small oneDinner was sliced beaf with vegetables and gravy Dessert was fresh pineapple and kiwi fruit with fresh lime juice and some yoghurt

No biscuits, no choclate.

I also did a second wii fit session of 20 minutes free step in the evening while watching tv.

During the day at work they kindly gave me a mini makeover with their Jane Iredale make up. the results were good - and I think I am going to treat myself to some.

It matters how we look on the outside - and one of the most visible signs of my improved self esteem is that I do take toruble over my clothes and facial skin care is now part of my routine. The skin on your face is the most visible part of you so I knwo ti makes sense to care for it.

Its the skin on my feet that is casing problems tho. For some reason I have cracks on both feet whihc makes walking painful. Feet take a lot of battering especially when you are overweight. I have been a bit lax caring for mine recently and I haven't moisturised them. Its really only been since Tony was taken ill - it doesn't take long.I am concerned tho. I ahve never had both feet affected so badly at the same time. It skewed by wlaking test on the wii fit - and gave me a wii fit age of 71!!

This morning I started with god intentions. I have drunk some water I have dine a body test - which showed my weight has gone up. I was then working through a wii fit plus routine when the board 'lost communication' Grrr. I will NOT be deflected.

Time to stop fooling myself

Yesterday I used the wiifit and did a body test. I also stepped o the scales. Reality is I have put on over half a stone since I last weighed myself.

Intuitive eating and listening to your body is what I have been trying to do. In reality I have been listening to my head. Recently I have been eating chocolate bars, and too large portions of food. I also haven't been exercising as much I used to. I suspect the rot set in once I was no longer training for the Race for Life.

The uncertainty over work and finances , the lack of progress with getting my reiki going, and in the last week Tony being ill have not helped.

What I do NOT need to do is go on a starvation diet, start counting calories, try to do a tough work out every day, or panic. What I DO need to do is get back to basics and concentrate on Pauls 4 golden rules again. I ned to remind myslef that I am in control of my life, my health, and me.

There is no diet I lack energy at the moment and that tiredness has been a factor in my lack of exercise as well as lack of time. I also have not been meditating as consistently as I used to for the same reasons. I am tired so I dont get up early enough so I run out of time...............

A healthy mind and a healthy body are symbiotic-they depend on each other. I will never get my body in order if my mind s all over the place.

Being brutally honest my mind set is set for failure again. I think it has been set that way for some time. I think that is what I need to addressmost urgently

The aftermath

Well its Monday again. Tony was actually home on Thursday so I had hardly any time on my own. But he hasn't felt like eating normally. This has been quite good for me because I have been inspired to cook things to tempt him and as a result have eaten fairly healthily. But I have eaten biscuits and chocolate too.

But I still have the image of the woman I saw in the waiting room.

Yesterday I used the wii fit for the first time in 11 days. Only 20 minutes step aerobics but its a start. Today I am at work and will be walking to and from work - but this is the last couple of days of this booking. Wednesday and Thursday I am at Sutton Coldfield so its back to the car.

I am feeling more motivated - but caring for Tony has left me totally knackered!

Sometimes you just need chocolate

Tony got admitted to hospital yesterday as an emergency with appendicitis. Yesterday I ate porridge, a peanut butter sandwich, 4 chocolate digestive biscuits, a plum and 4 squares of fruit and nut chocolate. I didnt really have time to eat - and for four hours I was sitting in the ward with Tony who was not allowed to eat or drink because of his surgery . I was hungry and thirsty but wasn't going to torment Tony by doing either in front of him

When I came home to collect some stuff for him I had very little time so grabbed something quick. I also needed the comfort factpr of the chocolate

I am now facing 2 or 3 days on my own - and this is going to be a HYGE challenge for me to eat healthily. If its just me I never bother to cook properly.

But yesterday when we were in the waiting room at the Doctors the patient before us was an elderly overweight woman who needed a zimmer frame to walk with and had very swollen legs . When she was out of earshot I actually said to Tony' There is no way IO want to end up as overweight and immobile as that woman'

I must keep that in my mind over the next few days and remember I AM worth taking time over to cook meals and eat good food

On the positive side I didnt eat ALL the biscuits or ALL the chocolate which I would have done a few months ago.

I have just had breakfast (the second portion of porridge I made yesterday that Tony didn't eat) I have sorted out some laundry and have plans for today before I go to to visit Tony (I should be at work today but am NOT going.

It is this evening I am worried about. That is when I will be at risk of comfort eating

Being accountable

I have a blogger friend who has recently found herself in a very bad place and is feeling very down. She re-started her blog the other day so that she will be accountable to any readers. But she commented she didn't even know if she cared if anyone was reading. Blogging forces you to think about what you are doing, and why. Reading it reminds you where you have been and where you are going. If you don't get to where you wanted you then have to work out why. Having it all down in black and white (or whatever colour scheme you have chosen) does male it more real, more official.

I guess I can relate to my friends situation and reason for blogging. I feel as if I am in a rut not making progress with the things that I think are important. Blogging reminds me what I am trying to do and why. I have to account to myself - not always a comfortable process - even if no-one else is reading.

One of the hardest things to accept is that if you want something in your life to change YOU have to take action. Being accountable for your life means accepting that you have responsibility for it. No-one else made me fat. I put the food in my mouth. OK I can list psychological issues that made me take refuge in food but I was the one who comfort ate.

As I write this I am watching the rescue of 33 chilean miners who have been trapped underground for nearly 10 weeks. Their situation puts my gripes into perspective. So being accountable for your actions isn't the only important thing. IMO we are also accountable for the choices we make and our priorities. Is it really worth getting stressed out because the house isn't as tidy as you would like? Is there REALLY no time in the schedule to meditate, go for a walk, or do something important for your mental and spiritual health?

I am accountable for these choices in my life. Blogging helps me keep things in perspective

New week new start

I haven't blogged for ages. But today my FB status was all about the new week being a blank canvass that I wanted to make special. I obviously am feeling motivated.

I know my eating has sipped - and certainly my exercise routine has slipped although I am currently working within walking distance so that is what I am doing. But that will only be the next 2 weeks.

I feel I need a review of where I am and where I want to go so I can get back on track with my health goals - although my health is quite good. My weght however is stuck Mind you I haven't weighed myself for weeks - but I feel fat - and I am sure many people can relate to that feeling.

I still know that Pauls programme will work if I stick to the rules. I just need to work out ahy I can't stick to the rules. they are not hard really.

I will do a review of where I am with my goals later today.