Making a good start

Breakfast is one kiwi fruit and one weetabix and I am eating it slowly.
I have cooked sweetp otato to use in the meal tonigh to save time
I have washed up
But my back is already creaking. I guess it can't al be good news.

I have realised one of the items on Paul's list is to d te mirror excercise and send love t yourself. I realise that is soemthing I haven't been doing lately. So I am going to make an effort to do that today. Maybe not the mirror excercise but some other way of showing I love myself

I have realised I have slipped back into eating what I think I should rather than what I want. I must work on that.

Am I going to leave the car at home today? Big dilemma. I want to try but my back worries me. Watch this space later for the answer

Bedtime update

Yes - I'm managing to make a second post. Things are looking up. No if only I can get my refelctive diary going for work I will be doing OK.

It appears Emily does have plans for me - but IO have still have no idea why the HIV job is no longer apparently on offer. Whatever is in the wind seems to include me doing C2 - something Emily did mention to me some weeks ago. Renda told me she thought the decision to put me ti hel her on C2 was made by Emily. But she is almost as confused as I am wondering what os happening. But I do feel more optimistic.

Food was a bit out of control, and I can't walk much becasue of my back. But on the whole I do feel beter than I have felt dor some time even though my back has been twinging all day

So things are going sort of OK

Tuesday

Well I'm posting again 24 hours later. So I guess thats some sort of discipline restored. Food was a farce yesterday as the drug lunch made it go totally wrong - which it sholdn't have done. I'm still not dealing with comfort eating and thats the main problem.

My back started to play up again around 4 yesterday afternoon and I am now quite cioncern ed about how much longer I can carry on at this pace. I really need my retirment to be settled. Emily was at SOH yesterday - and didn't say a word to me about the whole re-deployment issue. I think she is avoiding me - which makes me even more worried.

Thats about it really. I am already getting interested about what my next post will say.

The key word is still THINK POSITIVE

That Monday morning feling

Its Monday morning I am eating a very healthy breakfast of weetabix (1) Kiwi fruite (1) and plain yoghurt. Once upon a time it would have have been 2 weetabix and possibly 2 Kiwi fruit. And I am eating it slowly. So although I havn't been listening to the tape or really following the programme siomething is sticking.

I'll use the car today to make sure I get home in time for the game (and hope I'm NOT locking up).

If there is no news about the re-deployment I will contact Dee.

I wil try to go to the gym in my lunchhour

That sounds like a plan to me. I think I'm in control of things I can be in control of. All I need to do is stop stressing about things I can't control.

The Monday morning feeling this week is ....well not exactly good but positive.

Giving up?

It is SO tempting to just delete this blog and say I and it have failed. But I'm not going to do that. OK so it has been a week since my last entry - and a dificult week at that. Edna is still unwell; I've been over to see her twice whihc takes time away from Tony. The job I was supposed to be being redeployed into has been advertised and no-one is telling me (or Dee) wtf is going on. I feel as if Emily wants to get rid of me - and frnakly if she does I still think it is her loss. And to put the tin lid on it my back is playing up again due to a combination of trying to do a bit too much and stress making relaxation an impossible dream.

Food control has been difficult. I am eating smaller portions but biscuits are still a problem. And I have still haven't mastered the art f only eatig when I'm hungry.

I feel like screaming - but deep down I know I can still turn all this to a positive persepctive. After all one reason why my back is playing up is because I have been trying to 'move my body' as PMcK would say.

I also listend to the tape forthe first time in days this morning. I didn't go under but I managed to get all the way though whihc is a huge improvment.

I may be down but I am NOT out

I wish I was clairvoyant

I am clearly not because I would never have taken such a optimistic tone in my last post. Edna is unwell againwith both legs leaking copiuously to th epoit where on Friday morning when she woke up she thought she had wet the bed. She ow has to sit with both legs bandaged, and keep her feet up. . Sturday the weather was sooo bad I couldn't avross to see her because of heavy flooding. Sunday she was bretahless again but Steve and I did manage to get to see her yesterady afternoon. Not that it did much good although I think she did take on board that there is no physical reason for her breathlessness and that if she can relax and take a couple of deep breaths when she starts to feel it coming on she will be better.

She gave me Len's (her brother) phone number and address and asked me to ring him. He is clearly worried about her and was grateful that I said I would keep in touch with him.

Do I really wish I was clairvoyant? Porbably not. How would feel if I knew Edna was going to die soon I don't know.

So I once again feel I am being tossed around in stormy seas with litle or no control over events. So I am still tryig to take control over the things I can which means after a difficult week last week, food and excercise are at te top of my agenda.

I haven't managed to eat all my breakfast whihc is a good sign I guess.

I'd like to think I woud make another serious attenpt at my refelctive CPD journal. I will try

Time out

Well things are getting back to normal. Edna is nw home and although she still has problems, the warden is there to cope with most things. I've finally recovered from cystitis, had a scare that I was diabetic and got some good advice form the incontinence clinic. I've told UHB what I want to do about jobs, and despite 2 very bad nights sleep tonight I am feeling quite bright - altough tired but it is ten o'clock.

In short I've survived a difficult week and regained some control over my life, and next week I will try and be more disciplined about food, excercise, and journals. I haven;t done anyhting in my work refelctive journal for some time. I must MAKE time for things like that

So after my unexpected time out with Edna's problems, now its back to normality

Really pleased about one thing. Tony and I are going to see Colin Fry in October.