Cancer

I got the biopsy result today and as I suspected they found abnormal cells suggestive of cancer. So I need a total thyroidectomy and then may need radio iodine treatment depending on what they find when they examine my thyroid.

So I could be in for two spells in hopsital. One for the op and one for the iodine. The op will be sometime in the next three months (the fact they can delay that long shows how unaggressive this type of cancer is) but it could be anytime from now on. They have my mobile and landline numbers. Watch this space.

I have been so touched by the support I have had Facebook. I am scared - but I know I will get thorugh this OK

The plot thickens

I got another letter from the hospital today. Dated 28th Jan - but postmarked 8th feb - it was a copy of a letter from the consultant to my GP saying they had some of results - all of which were normal - but specifically saying they were still waiting for the results of the biopsy. It also said they would contact my GP with those results. So that kind of gives the lie to the suggestion that the result would be given to me at the clinic. Surely if my GP got a letter with a result they must expect them to contact the mme?



I did specifically ask for the biopsy result - so I don't think that letter is what the secretary was talking about.

But something has prompted them to send for me sooner rather than later - the the something has GOT to be the biopsy result that I am convinced the secretary and I were talking about.

I got a call from the agenccy today - wanting to conform some dates for ROH with me. I have told them any acceptance has to be subject to the caveat that I may be having surgery and don't know when............Interestingly the dates INCLUDE all the March dates that they thought they had booked Sultana for......................

Uncertainty

I have kept on a sort of even keel since my last entry but there is no doubt waiting for the biopsy result has been trying to put it mildly. I have been very up and down and rationalising the situation doesn't help. Rationally I know what is going to happen. But not knowing what sort of op I would ned and when I would be having it is playing on my mind. And it has just got a whole lot worse.

It is now more than 3 weeks since the biopsy with no sign of a result. I rang the GP after 2 weeks and they didn't have anything. They advised me to ring the hospital. Initially I thought I won't bother. If they have the result it will be on its way. If they don't ringing won't make any difference.

Finally on Tuesday this week I rang and spoke to the consultants secretary. It was an amazing conversation. 'Oh they will give you the result at your next clinic appointment. Would you like me to make one for you?' As I already had an appointment for March 24th I declined this offer, but said had been told the result would be sent to me 'Oh they say all sorts of things in clinic' was the reply. She did say if I wanted her to she could send the result to my GP which I asked her to do. She took my details and was able to assure me the result WAS back .

I was annoyed. Did I misunderstand or was I misinformed at my last appointment? I suppose I can understand why they want to give the news in person especially if its bad news - but since Thyroid cancer isn't life threatening as far as I know, I felt I couldn't take comfort from the fact that my clinic appointment was still a long way off. But I felt at least I would know something soon.

Yesterday I got a bombshell. I got home from work to find a letter from the hospital giving me a new appointment for next Monday. I am now in turmoil. It can't be coincidence that the letter was sent the same day I rang. Did my call make someone look at the result and think 'oops' we need to see her sooner? There are only two reasons for that. Either it is bad news or it is non diagnostic. I cannot believe they would re-arrange things that swiftly for a normal result.

In one way I am relieved. I now really WILL know what is going on Monday. Nightmare scenario is the result is non diagnostic and I have to have another biopsy. REAL nightmare scenario would be the appointment on Monday is just to tell me that. The appointment is for the ENT clinic - and I am fairly sure a biopsy under ultrasound guidance would need to be done in X-Ray - but maybe they will send me to X_Ray on Monday for the biopsy. I don't know.

But I am fairly sure she warned me at my last appointment that the biopsy would probably not be able to be re-done until the appointment 10 weeks later.

So I am not happy - and have been left less than impressed with the unfathomable workings of the NHS. If I didn't know my way round the NHS and its systems I would still be waiting for a result that was never going to turn up..

I am not at work between now and Monday - the first day of the last module of the hypnotherapy course . While having work to do would be a useful distraction I wouldn't be able to focus properly and wouldn't be safe really.


Losing the 3 weeks booking for Emmeline's holiday did concern me - but the thought has occurred to me that maybe I've lost it because I will be having my surgery then. If I am to be told on Monday I have cancer an op in March would be feasible.

Last night was the last night of the mediumship development course and one of the things Chris Butler ,who runs the course, said last night was his guide was telling him to tell us to have faith. He meant faith in our medium abilities and our guides. Maybe it has stuck in my mind because I need to have faith that everything will work out for the best.

As for food and exercise I have been swimming more with Margaret, but have been using the car to get to ROH as I have been too tired to face the walk back after a day on my feet at work. But I reckon work counts as 'moving my body' especially when I don't use lifts. The kinect and the wii fit have bene left off tho. Food - lest not talk about it. Chocolate and carbs are good comfort food. But I haven't abandoned cooking, or fruit and vegetables completely.

I can't focus on that until I really know what is going on with my thyroid - and I think I have to forgive myself for feeling like that.

Major rant

Today is my day off work when I am supposed to be doing business things, domestic things etc. Quite honestly this morning I cannot motivate myself but I can't afford to waste a day. I am hoping some soul searching on here will help.

I am fed up, VERY fed up. My neck still hurts from the biopsy and I am dreading the thought that I may have to have another one not only because of the procedure itself but because if I have to have surgery I want to get it over and done with and a delay on the biopsy result will delay that.

I don't understand what is happening to my thyroid. If my thyroid function is normal why have I gained weight, why am I always so tired, why have my nails been a problem , why does my hair seem greasier than normal? Or are all these problems in my imagination? Is the weight gain really just due to me being an idle and overeating? And should I change the phrase 'very fed up' to 'depressed' - yet another symptom of thyroid problems

I DON'T KNOW but it is bugging me to the point of paralysis. My weight gain is frightening me - and I don't know if I am just finding excuses to avoid facing up to the real issue.

I am beating myself up which is pointless. If its my thyroid - its not down to me. if its NOT down to my thyroid what I need to do is act to change things and beating myself up about the past is pointless. I jst can't move past the fear and anger.

So having ranted lets take a deep breath and see if I can find a way out of this. Panicking about my weight is not going to achieve anything. I almost feel as overwhelmed as I did in the wake of Alan's death and that is ridiculous.

So what am I telling myself I MUST do today

Shopping
Taking another proof of ID over to the hospice for my CRB check
Contacting NHS pensions to get the information I need for my accountants
Doing some exercise
Sort out the laundry (I just made a start on that one)
Spending some quality time with Tony

So why I have decided it has to be done TODAY. Well thats easy - I am not at work. But why this week? Now thats a good question. The accountants can wait. I can write /email NHS pensions one evening to get the information I need. I can t post proof of ID to the hospice.

Shopping is a must - we have to eat. Quality time with Tony is a must and can only be done on my day off. I can fit in some gentle exercise on the kinect or wii fit this afternoon.

I think I have stopped panicking - but at least I have a plan

Reality check

I got a HUGE reality check yesterday in two ways. The second was the moment I realised I was definitely having surgery no matter what the outcome of the biopsy. Knowing academically you may be facing surgery is one thing. Knowing you WILL be having surgery is a very different thing and I have to work out my feelings

But the first reality check came when I got weighed - and I had to get weighed twice. 94 Kg. That is 10 kKg higher than I used to be and its ALL happened during the past few months. Part of me wants to run round like a headless chicken and panic - but that wont achieve anything. The other part of me is acknowledging that I HVE to do something. For what ever reason my weight is now out of control. While part of it could be due to thyroid issues, part of it is almost certainly due to lack of activity once I stopped training for the 5K run and then had less work. But part of it is due to poor eating habits.

I need to remember and do my best to stick to Paul;s rules especially the eating slowly one. I also need to gradually build up my activity again. But I am not going to suddenly start doing 30 minutes aerobics every day. Working is a very good form of excercise for whihc I get paid. The extra's I can add in as I feel better.

But I think the memory of the feeling I had when they told me my weight will prove a useful motivator

B day

So here I sit in the silence that is Monday morning .The second week of my new routine. But I am not rushing to get ready for work - I have my biopsy today.

I am trying to work ut how I feel about the biopsy. I was so touched yesterday when Karon hearing that Tony wasn't going with me volunteered in the middle of all her troubles ( her husband walked out on her 4 weeks ago leaving her to cope on her own with 4 kids one a baby of less than 6 months old and one a 4 yo with Down's syndrome) to get her elf from Loughborough to Birmingham to come with me. But I dont need anyone with me. I wasn't expecting anyone to be with me. I am going to QE my home from home for over 25 years!!!. But I am not calm about this biopsy. Yesterday I indulged in emotional eating during the game . I am nervous about the procedure. I am meant to be going to work afterwards but I don't know how I will feel. If sticking a needle in my neck makes me feel ill I wont be going to work afterwards!!

In fact its the uncertainty that is stressing me. I don't know what the process of the biopsy will be like. I don't know how long I will have to wait for the results, and I don't know what will happen if I am in the 5%.

I guess also today it all becomes real in a way it hasn't until now. Although the lump is physically there, and I think it has got bigger since I first spotted it - somehow it isn't REALLY there until that needle goes in. It became more real when it was seen on ultrasound. That was the first proof I had it wasn't just me being paranoid.

Last week I realised the hard way I was physically knocked out by the lurgy and the long spell off work. I had to put the kinect on hold because trying to do a vigorous workout AND suddenly stay on my feet all day was too much. So this week my aim is to work and get myself used to doing that again. Then next week (when I am on the course) I can throw in the kinect or swimming and get back into the routine with that.

The kinect is tough., Tony has been doing some of the gym games and has started noticing pain around his scar so he also has to cut back and is just doing the wii. When we both get into the swing of it I think the kinect will be good for us.

Today I can't focus on anything but the biopsy. But I am determined NOT to start emotional eating again. I will ficus on mindful eating.

So its Friday and the last day of my first week back at work. I am tired, I ache, I have woken up with another sore throat and any thought of turning on the Kinect or Wii is laughable. I need all my energy for work.

On the positive side clearly I am moving my body a LOT more than I have been both by being at work and by walking to work. I think that will have to do for the moment.

Food is still a bit of a battle. There are always biscuits and sweets up for grabs at ROH. I need some positive re-enforcment to keep me away from them. But outside work things are going ok. I didnt have any .biscuits last night

Today they have asked me start at 9.00 so I am going to have minimal time to do much before I go apart from get ready. But I will be leaving earlier if its quiet.

I did do the exercises that Chris set as homework yesterday and I should find time to do them today. I will do some meditation before I leave for work today

So I thinks its a case of 'so far so good' I am on the right track but still have a way to go.