Drawing a line

The wedding is fast approaching. It is all organised now and I have a sense of calm expectation. So much has happened since Tony proposed at the end of 2007. I was moved to start this blog in an attempt to keep sane as life fell apart round me. I have had 2 cancers scares one was a false alarm and one wasn't. When Tony proposed I was an unhappy pharmacist now I am a wannabe reiki practitioner, hypnotherapist and psychic reader. Tony was unemployed and now has psychic work, game review work and writing commissions that will be paid. Steve became a student, has passed his exams and is now sadly getting a dose of real life as an unemployed person. We have had grief and hassle. I have spent way too much time in hospitals as a visitor or patient but I am a totally different person. I was working full time as a pharmacist. I am now retired, work part time and am trying to build my reiki/hypnotherapy practice. I had never even heard of reiki when Tony proposed to me. It has not always been easy but there is a sense that it has been necessary and that the wedding will enable me to draw a line under my old life and move forward with confidence into my new life.

Slowly improving

I hit a low point yesterday, but as I expected I have started an upwards journey. Both Tony and Steve now seem more upbeat, and I realise neither of them was really expecting me to do anything other than be there and be who I am. All that angst over nothing. What am I like eh? Slightly to my surprise I am heading for the hospice today with a light heart even thoughI already know the day is going to be awkwardly organised. I do intend to investigate the possibility of working at St Mary's Hospice if they will have me. In the meantime I will continue at Marie Curie. I haven't meditated - but have been trying to use the reiki symbols in my daily life. Finding an hour to listen to a guided meditation during the week is a fanciful idea. But I will do it this weekend. I am reasonably happy with my eating and drinking over the past few days. Not brilliant but not disastrous, and I have been drinking more water - but not drinking water at home. I need to get my lemon water back in the fridge. But when I am out I am drinking water. But the wii fit has remain unused and I know I haven't done as much exercise as I should. But the last few days have really shown me where I am failing and that is in how I see myself. I need to really do some of the resourceful state exercises. Well if today works out as I think it will I should have the time to do at least one resourceful state anchor. I have a plan - I am in control. One pice of good news - Tony has found a local group called Wolf paranormal Investigators who want to run fairs and development circles if there is enough interest, They want readers :-) We have jumped up and down and said 'We're here' And I have made sure they know the name of our little business since the synchnronicity of the names is interesting

Trying to inject positivity

My aim this week according to my FB status yesterday was to stay positive and have a good week. It failed at the first hurdle. yesterday was dire. Well no not dire but it was the sort of day where if it could wrong it did. And it was rounded off by a disgruntled Tony coming to bed after a not getting a single call during his time logged on declaring he's fed up and thinks he is going to quit. Like Steve ( from whom I have heard nothing since his minor meltdown on Friday night) I am sure he will bounce back. But why do I feel I have to try and solve their problems ? Its making me feel awful that I can't as if I am failing them in some way. But NONE of the issues causing problems are under my control at all. So I really am being ridiculous. Margaret is also having problems. Betty took a turn for the worse last night although she has improved a bit. But David doesn't know what to do for the best and Margaret is moaning about his bad mood. In his shoes I'd be a basket case. Today is the anniversary of my diagnosis. I forgot that when I posted my positivity status yesterday - but I really DO have a lot to be positive about. But I am currently mulling over whether I should continue at the hospice. I am finding all the travel involved with it so tiring.To be honest what I want to do is tell them I won't be back in until after the wedding just to give myself a break from the driving. It will also enable me to get to Brenda's funeral and show some support for Brenda and H. But if I leave the hospice I won;t be giving reiki much. For someone who is supposed to be aiming for positivity there is a lot of negativity around. I need to deal with that. Just not sure how. But exercise, water and eating have all been going the wrong way over the past few days - and I know I need to get on top of things. Its the feeling of lack of control again. I need to remind myself I am in control of my life.

RIP Whitney Houston

The news is full of tributes to Whitney Houston who died on the day before the Grammy awards last night. I enjoyed her singing but wouldn't class myself as a huge fan. So why am I blogging about her? Well I realise the irony that her biggest hit was 'I will always you' when clearly it was herself she needed to love. It makes my concept of my L'Oreal moments even more important. I know I don;t love myself as much as I should. I am a lot better but still don't love myself as much as I should. I bought tow new meditation CD's on Saturday at the investigation. Some of the tracks are an hour long. I am going to listen to one of them this week. I feel very frustrated by my lack of spiritual progress, by my lack of progress in developing Krystal Wolf, and by my inability to help Steve focus. Until I typed that I didn't realise how much that was still affecting me - but clearly it is. I feel Steve hasn't got a jib because he doesn't really know what he wants to do . he does seem to know now - marketing - but feels he has realised this too late and that there is no way in. I don;t know if marketing is REALLY what he wants to do or is just a fad fuelled by his time in the BHF shop as a volunteer. But to be fair him talking about marketing does predate that. But I do feel he may regret his time at university - and his decisions about that WOULD be due to his lack of focus. But he admitted even I had pushed him harder to focus it wouldn't have made any difference. I know why I am feeling down. I am looking at myself and feeling like a failure as a mother. I have had no reply form my email asking if helping me to market my reiki services up at the salon would helpful to him. The silence wipes out the memory of his spontaneous I love you Mum on Friday evening when he was upset. Thats why I am finding it so hard to love myself at the moment

Feeling helpless

My job and my role in life is to help people whether with drugs, reiki, hypnotherapy or words. And I know I am good with words. 3 days ago I got a ringing endorsement from one of the members of my FB group about my hypnotherapy CD. On Thursday I got positive feedback from Rachel about how my words had helped her get a new perspective on her situation. I know my words have been helpful and supportive of Gill and Darren in their bereavement. Kate found my words helpful when she came to see me the other week. I know I am good with words - but at the moment I feel wretched because I couldn't find the words to help Steve. He went for a job and didn't get it. But what hit him so hard was that it wasn't a case of another candidate got the job. It seems that any candidate who it was felt could do the job (something to do with helping to campaign for shelter) would be employed. His view is that 'marketing' is something he has spent a lot of his spare time doing at uni in his work to promote the groups he was involved with. he has also done some political 'marketing' as well. he enjoys it feels he is good at, so to fail to be picked has been a slap at his whole self image. He was in despair. It is a hard thing to see your only son in terms and not be able to find the words to help him. He feels he can't see a way out, and on the 6 month anniversary of him signing on he is beginning to feel trapped an can't see a way out. He was honest enough to admit he knows he will come out this, but I still felt very helpless. But as we had a hug I did get a spontaneous 'I love you Mum' from him - which nearly reduced ME to tears as well. So I guess some of what I said had an effect. And maybe what he needed was my listening skills not my speaking skills. But I still feel pretty wretched about the whole thing. Every constructive thought I put forward got a counter argument about why it wouldn't work. He can't see a way forward to do something he is interested in because he feels with a masters he is too qualified. He even said he wished he had realise dhow interesting marketing is because he would have tried for an internship. I never thought I would hear him say that. He has always rejected the idea of internships. Personally I feel he is paying the price for his lack of focus on what he wanted to do with his life - something I have worried about. I even said that to him - but he was honest enough to admit even if I had pushed him harder it wouldn't have made any difference. He is learning a painful life lesson - and I can't make it less painful. But on the positive side he was musing over a possible idea about trying to get more volunteer work with BHF in offices if they have any local. I feel really crap about the whole situation. After Steve left we headed over to do the supportive friends thing with Darren and Gill and finally got to se H in person. And most of the time I felt I wanted to cry and talk to them about how crap I felt over Steve. In fact I DID tell Gill about it. When we got home after an evening where I realised I was taking a very defensive attitude to any possible criticism my FB status said it ' Needs chocolate' I managed to resist bingeing. I had a hot chocolate drink and 2 chocolate truffles. But this morning I still feel crap and close to tears because I can't wave a magic wand and solve his problems. And unlike my other 'clients' I haven't really any sign that my words have had any effect. Being a parent really sucks sometimes. I am toying with the idea of suggesting what could be a win win situation. Ask him to help me market my reiki at the salon for a small per capita payment. If it works I get clients, Paula gets clients and he gets some real experience to put on his CV. Well I guess all I can do is suggest it and hope he doesn't see it as charity/sympathy from Mum. I took a break from blogging and played a puzzle game for a while to see if anything clarified in my head. Nothing really has so I guess all I can do is contact him and see what he says.

Back to normality

Well today is my first day back at work after the holiday. So how am I feeling? Well I am up early - always a good sign. I am not especially hungry so haven't eaten yet. Looking back at the last dew days I can see I haven't done as well as I would have liked on either the slow eating or drinking water. But I will keep on trying. I need to get into the habit of having water with EVERY meal. I must also make sure I have water with me in the dispensary today. So do I keep trying with these two before I think about adding in another habit? Although to be fair I have been trying to get into the habit of healthy exercise at the same time. I am trying to use the wii fit every day. I have been reminded today about the importance of mental health so maybe I need to practice positive thinking and visualisations? After all I am trying to encourage my FB group to use NLP techniques. Yesterday we walked a lot round town. We went to sort out the paperwork for the wedding and then went to Waylands Forge. The register office was nearly a disaster. I GOT THE TIME WRONG SO WE TURNED UP AN HOUR LATE. Me!!!! the one with the good memory who NEVER forgets things like that. I am worried about my memory and other things. I seem to panic more than I used to - well not panic but get flustered easily. I and I do keep losing things. I still have my mantra ' Use it or lose it' Is this increasing forgetfulness just a normal part of getting a bit older? Is it a sign I am trying to do too much? My fear is its a sign of dementia - which at one level I know is completely ridiculous - but .............. I need to get into careful habits about things like where I put my phone and keys. They need to go in the same pocket in my bag or stay on my person. maybe I need a bum bag? Now theres a thought. I think I have found my new habit to practice