Next move

I had my ultrasound scan on Monday afternoon. Yesterday (Wednesday ) I got a phone call from my GP asking me to make an appointment to go in and see her. This is obviously so she can tell me officially that I am being referred to the thyroid clinic for a biopsy. I do find it significant that she a) wants to discuss it with me in person and b) felt it needed phone contact rather than waiting for a letter to reach me. It implies a level fr urgency.

I have sinced done a little more research about thyroid nodules and have found out they are very common. At age 50 50% of the popluation will have them, By age 60 that rises to 60%. So I would be unusual if I didn't have any nodules at my age. But they can be a problem in 3 ways. They may produce thyroid hormone. If large they may press on other structures an cause problems. And in 5% of people they may be malignant.

So almost exactly 2 years after my episode of post menopausal bleeding sent my rushing off to the GP I am back in a similar position of being rushed through 'in case its cancer'

I always cite that thankfully short lived scare as the start of our two thousand and hate problems. I think the similarities between the two episodes are really getting to me. Part of me thinks this could be the full stop - ending the bad times in the way it began. Part of me wonders if I can be lucky again.

If it is malignant it is very very curable (not just treatable) and I am not going to be facing anything horrendous. But not knowing is getting to me and I really hope they give me an early date. All thsi could well interfere with my course, and of course keep me off work for a bit.

I have a huge feeling of unfairness about all this. Just as things were going well THIS has to happen.

Part of me knows I am really overreacting to this. The other part of me just wants to curl up and scream

Health issues

A few weeks ago I noticed a lump in my neck. Following blood tests that were all normal I was sent for an ultrasound. Yesterday I had the ultrasound. Luckily for me instead of being done a radiographer , when the results would have to be seen on and reported by a radiologist, yesterdays clinic was being run not only by a radiologist - but a radiologist who knew me through my time at QE. So I got the result then and there instead of having to wait for my GP to tell me.

I have nodules on my thyroid. Apparently about 50% of the population do. But the lump I spotted is caused by a large nodule. Because of its size I have to have a needle aspiration biopsy 'to look at some of the cells' My guess is that depending on what they find I may be facing at least a partial thyroidectomy.

Could it be cancer? I guess it can't be ruled out -although Julie Olliffe was very direct to re-assure me it wasn't anything 'dire' (my word) when I tired to get a little more information out of her. Pre-cancerous cells is a possibility I guess.

I am not going to sit here and say I am totally unconcerned about this. But I am not panicking and not totally stressed out about it. I hope I get a quick referral. If I am right and this is all about catching problems early I shouldn't have to wait too long.

If I am facing surgery I need to be in the best possible health physically , mentally, and spiritually so have no excuse for not still sticking to me food and exercise priorities.

thinking yourself thin

I know from personal experience how powerful our thoughts and imagination are. It has always been a source of frustration to me that after CYLI7D helped me so much, ICMYT really didn't help as much. I still feel keeping my weight stable during my two years of disaster was as much of a triumph as the fact that I stayed sane, focused and didn't go back on anti depressants. And I know ICMYT has changed my attitude to exercise. But I have been disappointed that I will not have kept one of my new year goals - to lose 7 lbs.

But since doing that 'inner child' exercise and realising I really WAS thin in those days something has happened to me. My biscuit consumption is down. I am eating slower than I was (but still not slow enough) and I have been better motivated to exercise. A few days ago I had the idea of exercising during ad breaks when I was watching tv. I haven't done it much - but may do it more today. Also I know I will be moving my body more in the new year when I am back at work - especially as I will be walking to and from work. And I feel more optimistic than ever before that following Paul's rules will become easier and that I really WILL lose weight. I am actually expecting to lose some weight BEFORE Christmas - which I would have regarded as an impossibility before.

I have even been motivated to cook a bit more. Yesterday the idea for dinner was tinned ravioli and chips. What we actually had was some gournet tortelline I had in the freezer, with some fresh vegetables stir f ried with italian seasoning, and chips. I always intended to cook last night instead of having a takeaway - but normally I would have just opened tins and packets.

Something feels very different. It must be as I am also blogging - something that I haven't been doing as regularly.

Hypnotherapy

Last week I was on a course doing the first of four modules that will enable me to work as a hypnotherapist. I was worried when I first signed up for it that a week of study would turn my brain to mush so I didnt book the other 3 modules . I wanted to guage how much time to leave between each one. What happened was I felt so inspired and so enjoyed it that I have booked up to do the last three at the earliest opportunity . It wasn't study - it was a week of thinking 'Thats what Paul McKenna did/said' or 'Now I understand why Paul did/said that sort of thing' The other students I worked with all complimented me on my voice and delivery when I was taking them into hypnosis. When I have the full qualification I will be working with people to help them and using my counseling skills, my intuition, and my spirituality. What more could I want?

As if to affirm that I am on the right track, the universe has just given me the perfect locum booking starting in the new year. 22 hours a week, on a schedule that doesn't interfere with my voluntary reiki work at the hospice, at the Woodlands - so I can walk to work. And it is ongoing until they fill a vacancy (I presume the one left by Emma leaving) If I could have ordered the perfect locum I couldn't have done better!! It will be for at least 3 months - because whoever they appoint will probably have to give 3 months notice.

So I am on a high. Simultaneously I am also coping with some 'issues' Inevitably when training in a therapy to help people deal with their issues, you end up during the training exploring any issues you have. Nick (the trainer) did a session with a real patient -who happened to want help with a weight issue. That got me thinking and I did in fact ask Nick if he could suggest some help for me out of what I now believe is my stumbling block. I cannot 'see' myself thin. As a child Mum was always telling me I was fat so I don't have an image of myself as thin when I was young. And the only recent photo I have of myself at a reasonable weight was taken when Steve was a toddler. Alan is in the photo too and I know how unhappy I was then so I don't WANT to step into that person. Shortly after I had that conversation with Nick we did an exercise to meet our inner child - and I was very surprised by who I met. I was teenager, wearing an outfit I remember quite well (because there was a photo of me wearing it) but I saw myself as thin. This gives me hope that I may be on the verge of a breakthrough. If I can see past Mum's vision of me (probably fueled by own poor image of herself) I may just start to get somewhere. The interesting thing is the day AFTER that, I felt motivated to go swimming before the course started. And I am seriously considering going swimming again today.