Argghhhh. I was trying so hard to be so good about blogging. Never mind lets have another go. As with my other habits it seems to go well at the beginning of the work - but fades as I get more tired, It went wrong on Wednesday when I was heading for the hospice. I ran out of time in the morning, was tired in the evening (we cancelled the game) and I have not got back on track. But I have meditated more and I have some good news. I did a small leaflet drop near the salon yesterday morning, and I also put business cards through. In less than an hour I got a text from someone who wanted a reading. sadly when we tried to get back to them (I instinctively feel it is a her) the phone went to voice mail. I got chatting to one of Paula's customers - who has VERY good experiences of reiki and mediums - but not since she moved from Nottingham. She was VERY happy to have a business card The signs are looking very good that Steve is about to get an internship which could lead to a permanent job. And all this happened yesterday. I also meditated yesterday as part of the development circle with Marie. AND one of the women at work wants to have some hypnotherapy from me. So things are looking up. On the bad news side my IBS is still a problem. And yesterday I saw myself in a mirror at the salon and thought 'What a big fact cow' And I feel FAT this morning with a capital F. I haven't really used the wiifit this week either I realise. Anyway I have had a healthy breakfast muesli and fresh mango with fromage frais) My lunch is already at work (I hit the canteen on Tuesday) - but I may not have a lunch break today as I am leaving early to go to a funeral. In which case I need to make a lunch I can eat on the move - which isn't practical for soup. So I need to make a sandwich rather that go and buy one Because I am heading straight out to the funeral I will be using the car to get to work. So no walk to work. That view of myself in the mirror has shocked me. It was partly the clothes I had chosen - but it is a very depressing image of myself - ad not how I want to look at all. No doubt the IBS is adding to the 'I feel fat' syndrome. But I have GOT to do something to start things moving in the right direction. I keep saying that - but don't do anything. Why? Is my weight partly sue to my thyroid?? Or is that an excuse for me not to do enough? Maybe I need to keep a food diary for a couple of weeks and look at my eating patterns. Will that help? Maybe I just need to step on the scales and face the music. It may not be as bad as I fear. Why when things are actually going so well in some ways do I have have this huge 'I am a failure' feeling about this? I should be motivated and raring to go - but I'm not. WHY??? The problem is in my head I am sure.

My IBS is playing up - which is a pain. I probably ought to take some Movicol.......if things still feel off tonight I will have to. I have told my group about the 'human pendulum' technique to help them decide which foods are good for them. I used it myself this morning and it chose muesli. We went out for a meal last night for Maggie's birthday. Did I make healthy food choices? No of course not. But I did notice I ate slowly. Yesterday I also drank water - in fact I deliberately got some water to drink with my lunch at work. On the whole I feel things are moving in the right direction. I am walking, drinking water, and I am learning how to eat slowly. I am blogging and/or meditating every day. I have also acquired a new hypnotherapy patient. Is this the law of attraction in action?

Its been a struggle this morning as I feel tired ....but I have eaten, washed and dressed, blogged meditated (sort of) and made myself some lunch. I am tired because we were late home from Wolverhampton last night. But yesterday I used the wii fit for 30 minutes, ate fairly healthily and didn't have a snack fest at the game. I took a cereal bar and an apple. Much better for me. So why have I been repaid by a slight IBS flare up this morning? Life isn't fair at times. I still feel rather sh*tty with my post mothers day blues............ but there is no point in telling Steve IO am upset. Its not HIS fault he doesn't know it means more to me than he knows. And a compliment doesn't mean anything if it is asked for. I had an interesting talk with H last night - and I am taking my Kaballah book into work to read at lunchtime. I got seeds planted yesterday. So I now have Mustard and cress growing on the windowsill and peas in pots in the garden. Fingers crossed

Mothers Day

Its Mothers Day here in the Uk. Mothering Sunday to give it its proper name. Its supposed to be honouring the mother church, but it is of course a chance for kids to show Mums they love them. Its something thats never happened with my son really. I would get something when school did it - but the whole concept of fathers day was such a tricky one due to his non relationship with Alan, that I never pushed it - and I had no-one to push mothers day for me. Tony is a typical bloke who needs reminding. I have always said we didn't do mothers day because it didn't seem fair to do one and not the other. So I am not expecting a mothers day card or flowers or present from Steve. He hasn't got the money being unemployed and anyway I do know he loves me. So why am I sitting here with tears in my eyes feeling jealous of the Mums whose kids have done something special today? Its my insecurities coming out again. But also I do tend to feel I am not a 'normal' mum. I am not a 'girly' person. I don't do pink or girly chat. I have never been dependant on a man to support me (thank goodness for that!) I am in some ways very masculine. I guess I worry that has had a negative effect on Steve. But my feelings are about my insecurities. The fear that I am not good enough, that I am not loved. But it really shows I still don't love myself enough to be confident I am loved by others. I know both Steve and Tony DO love me - they show me by their actions, and maybe thats the best sort of love. Words are cheap - but actions take effort.

OK this is a bit of a primal scream. today started so well. I used the wii ft while watching the qualifying for the GP tomorrow (Cmon Jensen!!!!) I made a post on my FB slimming support group - and as a result decided I wanted to go out to buy some seeds. So i decided I might as well get the stain and varnish for the doors as well. Before I left Tony got in a panic about his laptop because there is a purple area round the crack. he decided he couldn't use the laptop and wanted me to take it into PC world. I said I wanted to TRALK to PC world first. So the shopping went OK, I got the stain the varnish, some mustard and cress seeds and a patio kit to grow peas. Then I went ot PC world to discover the damage isn't covered by anything and we have to pay. (not a huge problem as I may be able to claim on the insurance. So I got home, and walked in to find no sign of Tony, I them immediately dropped one of the tins of stain and it fell upside down, the lid came off and we had satin everywhere. I swore, and called out for Tomy - not realising he was meditating and I interrupted a good meditation, So he wasn't happy the news about the laptop didn't do anything to improve his mood. he went all grumpy and that made me feel guilty and fed up. Now if I take a good look at this, all the problems have been caused by my actions - or lack of. I could have acted earlier on the laptop, I dropped the tin because I was trying to carry too much, and Tony's grumps made me feel bad because I assumed because Tony was unhappy about the laptop and the spill he was unhappy with me. I have absolutely no evidence for that at ALL - it is me at my insecure worst. The laptop can be sorted - but it will take some organisation and time. There are all sorts of lessons for me in this sorry episode. I will make this day a positive one if I can learn them.

Another lousy nights sleep last night. This is becoming a habit I don't want to get into - but I am not shirking things today. I am meeting Margaret for a swim at 8 then going straight onto work. I have had a healthy breakfast, packed a healthy lunch and will ablute at the swimming pool - so all I have to do is get dressed and go. Margaret will drop me off at the hospital - I am not going to wimp out and drive to the pool!!! At least I hope not. Last night I ran a small psychic development circle - and it was an interesting experience. I am not sure yet where it going - and it may fail - but all I can do is try. I am not going to have time to meditate before I go out - but as I told Marie last night blogging is a form of meditation. It will have to do this morning!!

To sleep perchance to dream

Well I have had some unusual dreams over the past few days - but last night I didn't - mainly because I had a rather bad nights sleep. So this morning I feel tired and rather demotivated. But I am doing spiritual stuff today so that has cheered me up. I have also been cheered by the fact that instead of slumping in front of the TV and lap top, and mentally whinging, I have actually done things. I posted in my FB support group, I have posted about being at the salon today, I went into the kitchen to sort my breakfast out emtpied the dishwasher, started to re-load it again and did some tidying up. I have also fixed myself a rather nice breakfast. Muesli an kiwi fruit with breakfast juice on it. I don;t have any fromage frais,we only have 2 yoghurts left and I dislike milk on kiwi fruit. but the breakfast juice is a delightful accompaniment. I don't think I am going to fit in real meditation before I go to the salon - but Marie is coming round tonight for our min development circle so I will be meditating then. But I had some useful thoughts while I was doing the kitchen and as ever blogging (and posting in the support group) are a form of meditation anyway. So I am tired, but surprisingly chilled and optimistic about the day. Yesterday we had a game - but I didn't indulge in a snack fest - mainly because there were no snacks that were appropriate to put on the table. there really is a simple answer to the gaming night snack fests - don't have anything available. I remain convinced the key to me slimming down is to stop snacking . I am not sure yet if I am going to walk to the salon. I do have to take some heavyish stuff up, and probably DO need to head for the supermarket at some point. Is that a reason to use the car - or just an excuse...............