30th of April and no sign of regular work - warning primal scream

I never anticipated this situation - and I am quite scared. The locum position at Selly Oak hasn't materialised so I guess they have given it to someone else - or had to admit they don't have the funding for it. But Selly Oak are too well organised not to have funding so they obviously gave it to another candidate - which is a huge blow to my self esteem.

And the one thing you need when attempting to sell yourself as a potential employee is loads of self esteem - so from any view, this is a pretty bad situation to be in.

I still have the interview at Burton - but I have reservations about whether that really is the best option for me. I sent my CV off to Lloyds and have heard nothing. And my phone is not off the hook with people wanting me services as a reiki therapist.

I haven't been exercising as rigorously as I should be either, and I can almost feel the fat settling in my hips as the weight creeps up.

In other words I am in a crap place - and that is why I put a health warning on this entry that it is a bit of a primal scream. But this blog is about the only place I can admit how awful I feel about things. I can't tell Tony. I need to talk to someone but I can't think who I can talk to.

What is getting to me is the feeling of not being in control. But worse I don't feel capable of getting back in control.

There is a vicious cycle emerging. My lack of motivation means I am not doing things I think I should be doing, so I feel bad about myself, and that just demotivates me even further.

The way to break the cycle is obvious - do something constructive. But I can't think of anything I can do that will yield the sort of results I want. What I have been doing so far hasn't been that successful so it looks as if I need to change tactics - but I don't have any other ideas.

Yesterday my FB status said I wanted something wonderful and magical to happen. It is possible it did. 2 unexpected things happened. I got a message from Carolyn inviting Tony and I to a very exclusive paranormal investigation on 8th May - the day we SHOULD have been going to the Station Hotel. This puts us back in touch with Carolyn which may be useful for both of us. Also there was a primal scream type post from a reiki therapist in Coventry having problems getting established. I sent her a private message and suggested as we are quite close we might be able to team up or at least brainstorm some ideas together. To my surprise she said yes. So two unexpected contacts. What they may provide is unknown - but networking is the key to getting thorough in this sort of situation - and anything that increases my network has got to be good.

Why am I in such a panic about the lack of work. Financially we can survive for a lot longer than a month? I guess like 99% of people I define myself by what I do and at the moment I dont seem to be doing anything. But I am still me. I am still Tony's fiancee, and Steve's Mum and they still value me. Why can't I value myself as a companion, a homemaker, a friend?


A part of me recognises I am being very unrealistic about my expectations. It takes time to build up a client base. But it is depressing when you don't hear back from people. The lack of response from Fosters is very depressing. I had high hopes of that. But I am sure David would let me know even if the answer was 'no' so maybe he hasn't had the chance to put it to the trustees yet.

I have GOT to get myself into a more positive frame of mind or this is going to be a disaster. I am setting myself up to fail and whether it is psychical or psychological that is not good.

I need to focus on what I CAN do, do what I can to increase my network and be ready to take any opportunities that appear.

I have spent an hour making this entry. While part of me feels it is an hour wasted the other part of me knows I needed to get these feelings out by expressing them.

Lets hope I can now make today a little more constructive.

A small success

I have some work booked!! I did some cold calling and as a result have 17 days work booked a private hospital. The hospital is part of a group which has other hospitals in the area so I may get other bookings from them to.

Apart from that everything is a bit blah and I don't feel like doing anything. That is partly because I ave no pressing need to do anything. My first dates with the hospital are the first week in June. So I have lots of time to do...........well to do what? That is what I can't decide.

I still have to do list - and I know I will get motivated to deal with it. But maybe not today. Maybe today I need to chill .

Charting success

Yesterday I was very dynamic.

I went swimming
I did my CRB check documents
I got Tony's passport application done.
I bought some paper so I can print more reiki flyers
I found a box for my crystals
I found another shop willing to display a flyer
I sent my cv off to Lloyds
I contacted local hospitals to see if they needed any bank pharmacists (as a by product of that I found there really IS a vacancy at QE and they really haven't decided yet - so I may still have a prospect of work very soon)

But I ended up having a biscuit fest yesterday evening during the game.

Thinking a LONG way ahead, I have GOT to find a way to cope with inactivity /not working or when I finally retire properly I am going to have a big problem. I so need structure in my day if I am going to avoid the biscuit trap.

I think when I am at work I have an agenda for what needs to get done that day. Yesterday I had a mental list of things I wanted to get done - and did it. That's clearly something I need to remember and act on.

So why did I hit the biscuit tin? I think mainly because the game last night wasn't that enjoyable compared to Sunday's. So between now and next Monday I need to think what I can do to try to make the game more enjoyable for me - and I would guess Tony as well. I know his heart wasn't in the game either.

I really ache today. I swam for 20 minutes continuously - and boy do I know I have done it. I know what I need to do is actually get back in the pool today - and I will try to do that.

Right so on the to do list for today

breakfast
meditation
Find out if I need a new colour print cartridge
go swimming
get a new cartrude if I need one
Print off some flyers
distribute some flyers
Look at TMA02

What are blogs for?

All of us in the blogosphere blog for a variety of reasons. Some blog so other people can follow what is going on in their life. Others are driven by the need to record specific events in their life - like coping with disease.

I started this blog when my life was totally chaotic partly as an outlet to help me cope, but mainly as a replacement for the 90 day weight loss journal that is part of the Paul McKenna programme.

That was 22 months ago.

In those 22 months I have changed my job, and now find myself without work. My Mum died, Edna needed increasing support as her dementia worsened and then she died.I have sorted out 2 estates -one with a will one without. I have become a reiki practitioner.

I have even lost some weight - albeit only about 7 lbs

Exercise is now a regular part of my life - even if I end up walking the whole of the Race for Life.

I would not have achieved all that without this blog. Originally I intended to keep this blog private but decided to put a link on a Paul McKenna FB page. That got me my first follower (Hi Sharon!) and through that I found all the other bloggers. Reading their blogs - and getting supportive comments on mine - has made a world of difference.

Although I may not have achieved much in the way of weight loss there is one other thing I haven't done during this 22 months - got depressed and needed medication. As I didn't blog during the previous 10 years the scale of this achievement cannot be seen in its proper perspective. But believe me - its huge.

I have re-read parts of my blog today - and it has been illuminating to compare myself now with myself on 30th June 2008 when I made my first entry. At a time when I feel stuck and a bit despondent I can actually see how far I have come. Even if the plans I had 22 months ago didn't all work out. We certainly didn't go into the house rental business.

I can see how far I have come -and that gives me the impetus to keep going even though at the moment I feel stuck.

Confession is god for the soul

Yesterday I ended up with a bad case of emotional eating. Things havent been going well lately.

Still no sign of work
Two events I had been looking forward to cancelled
Still beating myself up a bit about not getting as much work done on the house as I would have liked

Apart form the work issue tho nothing really major. Yesterday I should have been on one of the events that got canceled and it was yesterday I found out the other event was also canceled.

Tony was happy with a takeaway for dinner and I went for the most unhealthy option I could. And I knew I was eating emotionally. It was like last Sunday's chocolate bar episode.

The redeeming feature is I didn't eat it all. I couldn't eat it all. So I guess there is some hope for me after all.

I am not blogging regularly and that is always a bad sign that things are not on target for me.

On the plus side I have now clocked up 22 weeks without missing a day on that bully of a wii fit machine!

I am going to have some quality 'me' time today. Go and soak in a bath, take some time to meditate and try to reframe my perspective on things from negative to positive.

Having a wobble

This is an exercise for my OU course which I meant to do a few days ago.
When was I at my best? What do I feel proud of as I look back over what I have done both in work and out of it.

Organising the production section at Dudley Road
My time on the Liver Unit especially starting the self medication system.
Setting up the topping up system at QE
Becoming one of the top DM's in Europe in my RPGA days
The way my relationship with my son has stayed strong as he has matured
Beating depression and getting control over my life.
Dealing with individual patients and their problems
Doing my best for Edna
Being a shoulder to cry on for friends/colleagues with problems

So who am I at my best?

Innovative
Well organised
Focused
Caring
Good communicator
Good listener
Hard working
Reliable

So why am I posting all this on THIS blog? I had a major wobble yesterday. I started the formal process of applying for a job at Asda, and yet again I had an agency ring me up and say Selly Oak want a locum are you interested? They rang at 12, said they would get back tome within the hour. Four hours later I rang them and they said they were about the ring Selly Oak to find out what was going on. They said they would get back to me and didn't

The Asda application is making me focus on what I really want - and the agency incident is feeding my paranioa about how Selly Oak see me and undermining my self confidence.

I am scared about the future.

I need to deal with that fear and I can't do that if I am a quivering blob of jelly in a corner. Working through that exercise has reminded what I can do at my best, that I do have a lot to be proud of. I can do this

Listening to your mind and body

Yesterday was a very bad day. I was demotivated for a variety of reasons that I could rationalise about. My frustrations over my work situation were slightly alleviated by a call from Manie to tell me she has had some interest in me. Today she is going to ring me so I can hear all the details and discuss them with her.

Wr got invited over to Gill and Darren's last night. I was aware as I drove over that I had visons of chocolate in my head. Gill and Simon decided to go to the shop before the game started and I decided to go with them to get something to drink. I also bought two bars of chocolate one for me and one for Tony. Almost as soon as I had the bars the feeling that I wanted some chocolate faded quite a lot. But when it resurrected itself a bit later I slowly ate and really really enjoyed my bar of chocolate.

Psychologically it did me the power of good.

Both Beyond Chocolate and Paul McKenna advise people trying to lose weight to listen to their bodies. But that also involves listening to your mind because that is how your body communicates with you. Understanding and honouring your emotions is the theme of 'Care of the Soul' a book I was recommended by Denise when I got back to work 4 years ago after CYLI7D.

And it occurred to me this morning that you not only have to listen, but you have to trust the message you are getting. In just the same way I know I have to trust my intuition to give me correct information.

The issue of trusting myself seems to be a recurring theme in different areas of my life at the moment - and I know that is significant.

I trusted my instincts over the chocolate bar. I need to identify where I am NOT trusting myself and then maybe I will start to make some progress.

So tuning in this morning I am tired, I have slight back discomfort, I am feeling that I have fallen behind in work round the house and garden so I have not gone to the park. I will get my exercise by doing some of those jobs. I am nervous about the information Manie is going to give me and worried I am going to make a bad decision about my job future.

I am certain that I will go for whatever job seems best for me even tho I am certain it is going to involve a longer journey than I would like.

But my instincts are telling me I am not going to make progress by staying in hospital work. And Manie is giving me a chance to move into the community.

Once I have my work sorted out , I think other things will fall into place and I will then do much better with my weight loss.