New week new start?

I have spent the weekend going to see Edna, getting clothes from her flat, and wathcing MHL- so it hasn't been all bad. I've also managed to beat up a lot of pixels on FFX. I've zoomed through Bevelle, the second fight with Seymour, and got to the Calm Lands.

But I am SO tired. I'm not sure I'll make it to work tommorrow - and I don't care what work think. If I end up signed off I end up signed off.

Food has gone better today whihc is another plus

Not really got much energy to write much today

A chaotic week

It has all gone wrong this week. Edna was admitted to hospital on Tuesday and is stil there as I type this. I came down with cystitis on Tuesday evening (cause and effect??) and was put on antibotics on Thursday after normal remedes were less than successful.

I HAVE decided about my jobs. I'm going for retirement and 2 days a week as an HIV pharmacist. It still feels as if Emily is tryig to ut me off ANY job. She has pointed out to me that this job is funded by the HIV team so 'its lie working an sla' because they will contribute to gal setting etc. All I can say s hooray - it would e nice to HAVE some acheivable goals and a mangement that is bothered enough to set them. But I have also said I won;t do on call at the moment. In the JD for the HIV job it is voluntary. I'm wonderuing if Emily will try to change the JD to mae it compulsory , If she does I think she will have both Dee and Donna on her back telling her she can't do that. This feels like a win/win. 2 days a week at Selly Oak leaves me at least 2 days when I can locum - but the 2 days a week steady incme gives me some security.

As if systitis wasn't enough my IBS has cut in and sut my bowel down totally so I'm back on Movicol. I've been too dostracted to do PFM excercises and as for food ....well it feels totally out of control.

Things can only get better................................

Time to get organised

OK te bank holiday is over, and I need to focus on 2 things.
1) my job
2) getting fit.

The job I need to think about and talk to Emily to see what the bit about on-call means. And I need to talk to Dee about various 'what if' scenarios.

As far as getting fit is concerned I need to concentrate on eating SSSSLLLOOOOWWWLLYYY. And I need to do more about excercise. Its 8.10. I have time to walk to work. Am I going to?

And the fallout continues..................

Steve came round this morning just after 9.00. When I came down (I was in the bath) it was obvious there was something wrong. Thankfully he didn't go into male stoic mode but decided to let it all out. He started by saying he thought he was mad and needed a psychiatrist. I manged to convince him he wasn't mad, that what he was feeling was normal bereavment reaction. One c rying jag and some informal counselling later he has decided to go and see the chaplain at the universtity if he can to talk the whole thing though.

I am quite releived becasue I have been worried for months that he needed to talk about Alan, but he assured me his friends were suporting him. I'm glad he was able to talk to me at least initally, and I a so relived he has acepted the advice to talk professionally to somone.

We went to see Edna and guess what - she didn't go out. I wonder why I bother.

I'm still no nearer making a decision about the job.

Two days later

and things are not a lot better .

First Edna. Steve and I are going over tomorrow. We have suggested we take her out to the cafe for lunch. She hasn;t said no - but both of of us think she will find a reason not to go. I am going to have to work hard to keep my temper with her.

The meeting today at work did not go well. I was very glad Dee was there. She had assured me on Thursday that I was taking a reaonable attitude. Its a shame Emily didn't seem to agree. Emily didn;t want to offer me anything really. The two MMAG posts have both gone ot to advert. Emily was suprised to discover that even if I didn't fit the personel spec . She made it clear she didn't think I was suitable for either post, and didn;t think I could cope with the stress of the job. The HIV job she had prevously mentioned is only 0.4 wte so thats a non starter. The only bright spot is that the TPN/surgery job has also been offerred. At least that is one I know I can do - probably standing on my head!.

But there is NO flexiniltiy about hours. I wanted to be able to leave before 5.30 so i can't get sucked into staying late. I would still do locking up when needed. But Enily is not prpeared to budge. if I have to work overtime (and pharmacy is renowned for the fact they we all work overtume) then I just have to take it is TOIL - except it isn't possible to.

I have decide if I want to work for a boss who doesn't think I am up to the job, ands thinks working overtime is an occuptaional hazard. I have a week to decide

The rehab class went well although I am now tired. Food has gone OK, but I am very stressed (can't thnk why)

I am SO glad its the weekend and a long weekend at that.

Defiing failure - or success

I might as well write about how I feel at the moment. Puttig it down in print may help me. I've just been thinking about next Saturday when Steve and i are HOPING to persuade Edna to take a little trip down the road to the cafe for lunch. I am convinced she will find an excuse not to go - and f she does I'm going to feel I've failed her. To be honest I feel I've failed so many people. I failed Alan, I failed - or disappointed - Mum, I falied Steve in some ways by not handling the divorce form Alan better. I fialed Steve by buyin g a house so close to Alan. I feel I failed the Women's, I feel like a total f****ing failure.

I can't even say today went badly at work - it didn't. I haven't had a brilliant day, food has got away from me a bit, I haven't 'moved my body' as much as I would have liked but I've tried.

I think the problem is I am convinced that Friday is going to go badly. Either they won't offer me anything decent, or they won't be repared to be at all flexible as regards my hours. The bottom line is I can do a full time job - when full time means 37 and a half hours a week. What I can;t do is work lots of extra time by staying late to finsih work in the dispensary and then try ans scrabble to take it back as TOIL. I will be exhausted. But I don't think they will be prepared to give me any flexibility under IWL. I know Emily can't understand why an 8a job at SOH should be so much less stressful than my joib at BWH.

Oh God its all so crap at the moment. I am back at the 'I want to run away' stage. Maybe it would be beter to just chuck it in at the hospital and go as a locum for a while. Then maybe I could get my head in order. But running away won't solve anything.


AARRGGGHHHHH. I am so fed up. Hope I feel better in the morning

Excercise good for you

I enjoyed my time in the gym. I did 20 minutes on the treadmill at 5.5 mph, and 5 minutes on the bike. Average HR was 105 so I feel Idid a good cardio workout as well as helping my back. Calorie counter was close to 100. I tried to use the pedal machine this machine but fixing t in place is tricky. But I will try to use it daily if I can.

I finallt got my blood taken for the cardiac assesment - but I had to go to SOH in the end.

I am going to see Maggie Vivien this morning - a 20 minute slot as she suggested.

Food didn't go TTO wel yesterday. Choclate biscuits and allsorts proved tempting and I broke the golden rules :-(. But this mornign I don't feel hungry so I haven't eaten. I'd better make sure I take some cereal with me for a late breakfast at work.

I'm still very bervous about how Friday's meeting will go. I've not heard back from Dee about metting up beforehand. But the worst that can happen is we can't agree - I retire and move on.I am still not convinced Emily understands why returning to BWH is impossible for me. I don't think se is a people person at all. I also don;t think she understands IWL. I've told her I want to see how much flexibility there is under IWL. She was adamant I couldn't drop Saturday's but I'm sure if I apply under IWL I might be able to do. But it ay be better to go for odd hours. If I could leave before 5 or at 5 I know I would be a lot less tired.

Work went OK yesterday. Today I'm going with Erika when she goes to B3 to see how she works. That will help me cover the ward better.